Days have passed, when our mentor entrusted us to held a “sharing” about our own experiences from the past. Experiences that made us a “weakling” but were also responsible on why we are here, flexing our muscles, surpassing our own limitations and standing tall. Every members of the Round Table shared their own pain. But there’s only one that ripped our hearts apart.

The members of the round table pricked up their ears gently. As another Paige of the Round Table shared her pain.

“We were used to be “closed friends” since our first grade. We became seatmates as we grow very close to each other. We had been talking about toys since we were both seven years of age that time. During our elementary days and middle high school days. I came to the point that I considered him as my “best friend .” But, the time has come where everything on us came to it’s demise.

We were in the middle year of our junior high. When I realized that I started to grow attached to him for he was very sweet and at the same time he was a very well rounded guy. He has the sex appeal, bushy eyebrows, well aligned teeth. He looks like your typical fuckboy.

One time during our Physical Education class, we are all in the quadrangle. He asked me if I can come with him upstairs as he forgot something in our room. I have no idea that an unfortunate event is going to happen. An occurrence that’s going to be the breakage of our bond as “close friends” and to make it worse, that will alter my life.

Upon entering the room, he locked the door immediately. Caressing me, he started to whisper dirty and unusual words to my ears. He even grabbed my breast that time then said “Ang laki naman nyan.” After that he pushed me against the wall then started to penetrate his member to my PE uniform. I was very scared that time. I didn’t know what I was going to do and what he’d do next. I started to reach the doorknob to open the door but he was stopping me by grabbing my hands the putting it back against the wall. Until I finally reached the doorknob forcefully and opened the door. I wiped my tears while I was downstairs. I didn’t came back in our room until the dismissal of the class. Unfortunately, my parents didn’t know about this unfortunate event in my life until now.

Days have passed. I’m still casting all the pain inside me that time until finally told the whole story to my adviser. She was my role model. But another forlorn occurrence happened. My adviser that time promised me that she is going to talk with my “former” best friend. After their conversation, she confronted me, then asked me if it’s just a part of our bonding as a friend. I was in shock that time when she asked me those things. She let my former “best friend ” and I have a talk. With a smirk plastered on his face, he asked for forgiveness.

Time has passed. I can share this pain with ease—first to my ex boyfriend, next is to the members of the Round Table. The wounds of my yesterday has been healed and regenerates. But the scars of yesterday are always there—reminding me of things that would haunt me every night and day. That occurrences in my life gave me the thoughts of “You cannot trust anyone but yourself.”

Because of that situation I was in, I couldn’t trust any other guy again. Usually, like in movies, it’s easy to say “you should have defended yourself” but it’s not true. When you’re in a situation like mine, you’d feel like the whole world is crumbling down in front of you since you have no idea what exactly you should do. Well, there are indeed many things you can possibly do to defend yourself, you have these ideas in your head, you know how you’re going to report it but after what happened… empty. I felt as if no one would dare to listen so I remained quiet and kept it to myself for a while.

After what happened, I ignored him—I started to avoid him as much as possible. He was trying to reach out to me but I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to hear any word from him. I was so traumatized and I needed time to heal. Just the whole situation was traumatizing.

After keeping it to myself for a while, I told my adviser—who was almost like a mother to me, about what happened. She did listen to me but when I got a feedback from her, she thought it was my fault for joking around or playing along with him. She was the only person I talked to about the situation but I couldn’t help but ask myself, “why didn’t she help me?”. This is why it’s never easy to tell someone to go and ask for help because you wouldn’t know what those people would think about you, how they would react or if they’re going to blame you for a “mistake” that was never your fault in the first place.

In all honesty, I didn’t overcome it. I never moved on, I guess. I did learn to ignore it whenever I remember that traumatizing experience. Even with the catcalls—whenever I’m alone and someone suddenly comes up to me and catcalls, I’d be scared and mad at the same time. I’d also feel helpless whenever somebody asks me to do this or do that, ask me a favor—no matter how small it is, I would just say “yes” because I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, I guess? From that huge thing that happened in the past, until now, I can’t get over it. I’m still struggling to get over it and it’s been four years.

What’s funny is that he thought we were joking around when it happened. He did tell me stuff like, “I didn’t mean any harm” and “I’m sorry if I violated you or anything”. He did apologize to me but it irritates me because he tried to defend himself with the “I thought it was a joke” card. I didn’t think his apology was sincere though. I wasn’t even sure if he knew what he was apologizing for in the first place. But I guess he was sincere since he wanted to set things right but at the same time it wasn’t because like I said, he doesn’t know what he was apologizing for. Like, he only did so because he was caught.

Did I forgive him? I did. We became close again in tenth grade but not as close as before. I won’t let him touch me unlike before, he’d wrap an arm around me and tickle me. We were cool, we would talk about things like his problems, college, love life, etc. but we were never touchy again. I wasn’t also his go-to friend whenever he needs someone to accompany him. I would even say “no” whenever he asks me to go with him to the faculty room. It’s a big no.

The reason why I forgave him was probably because I don’t want to carry heavy load. I felt like the safest way for me not to feel the burden is to forgive him and it sucks. Though I kind of regret it because after four years, I started to realize how much a jerk he is and the trauma is still with me. It’s a situation I’ll never forget. But I guess I forgave him enough for us to be civil.