There’s a trick that I do whenever I’m on the dancefloor or whenever I’m alone and in the mood to dance.  I would put my playlist on shuffle and close my eyes. I would let the rhythm guide my body as I dance. It doesn’t matter if anyone’s watching, I’d let the music take me. My life is like dancing. The dancefloor is filled with people I know and strangers. Some would ask me to dance with them for a while before looking for a different partner for a different song. Some would just bump into me as I dance. Some were just lonely and only wanted company for the night. Some stayed with me, despite of going to the party with their own groups of friends. Sometimes, I’d dance alone. And those were the times I felt the beat of the music more.

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents had high hopes for me. Everyday, I had to read a paragraph from a book in order to have a wider vocabulary. I had to memorize my numbers and my alphabet. I had to know which planet in the solar system was the hottest, and which one was the biggest. I had to study how to spell a certain word and how to pronounce it properly. My parents wanted me to excel. They wanted me to become successful. So I did my best in school. I brought home medals, certificates and ribbons. I won 1^st prize in every declamation contest in school. Heck, I was always in the honor roll in my class. But that wasn’t enough. My parents wanted more. There were times when they’d compare me to other kids, especially my cousins. I felt as if my efforts weren’t enough to make them proud of me. They were my dancing mentors and my first dancing partners. They taught me discipline. They would scold me whenever I got a dance move wrong. I had to learn every beat and lyric of the song in order to dance it perfectly. They were strict, but I love them. And I’d do anything just to please them, no matter how difficult the dance may be. (Track 01: Problem Child, Simple Plan)

As I grew up, I grew apart from my dad. He never spoke to me a lot but I thought that he’d be more open and kind. But I guess, I misread him. He had higher expectations for me. He’d train me more and make sure that I’d make no mistakes. He was harder to please than my mum. It was painful how I watched my dad dance further away from me. I couldn’t help but to blame myself. I picked up my dance shoes and tried harder. But by the time I mastered the dance steps, he was already out of reach. (Track 02: Dance With My Father, Luther Vandross)

                I experimented with different dancing styles and movements. I learned to appreciate different genres of music while creating dance steps to dance along with them. I realized that I didn’t like just one specific song. I knew that I loved and appreciated them all because they all had different qualities. I narrowed it down to two songs, since I liked them best. For some, they’d probably want one or more. I came to the conclusion that I liked girls the same way I liked boys. And I didn’t care if anyone would judge me. (Track 03: girls, girl in red)

                I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my feelings at home. The people from school weren’t very nice to me. They would judge me and push me around. I didn’t have the courage to speak out, thinking that I’d be a burden to whoever I open up to. I kept my feelings bottled up. Though the dancefloor was never empty, I still felt alone. I still felt like an outcast in the sea of people who danced merrily in groups. (Track 04: Invisible, Hunter Hayes)

                Since I spent most of my time alone, I was often alone with my thoughts. I’d picture different scenarios in my mind, both good and bad. It got to the point when I’d just snap and break down. I’d feel exhausted and instead of taking a break, I’d dance more. I’d dance until my feet got tired. I’d dance until I felt dizzy. I wanted to give up and just stop dancing all at once. It was draining. I just wanted for the music to stop. (Track 05: Heavy, Linkin Park feat. Kiiara)

I danced alone as the beat slowed down. All of a sudden, I felt a pair of footsteps walk towards me. He placed his arms around my waist and danced with me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt as if someone was there for me. He cheered me up during my lowest times and I did the same for him. We’d talk about everything under the sun. He was my best friend. Everybody knew we liked each other except for ourselves. But the music stopped and we had to look for a partner for the next song. He chose to leave and look for a different one.

I guess our dance was only good for one song. (Track 06: You and Me, Lifehouse)

I was alone again. Ever since he left, I felt more insecure than I was before. “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I not good enough?” “Did I do something to drive them all away?” “What do I need to do in order to be accepted?” “Will everyone’s life be better if I died?” Questions like those haunted my mind every damn night. I would try to block the sadness out by hurting myself and I’d regret it every time I saw the marks that I left on my skin. I didn’t like myself at all. I wanted to better. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be perfect. So I tried to dance the pain away. (Track 07: idontwannabeyouanymore, Billie Eilish)

Someone bumped into me whilst I was dancing alone. She was bubbly and very friendly. We liked the same things and danced the same beat. She was the life of the party. We shared our deepest and darkest secrets and would occasionally talk about the bumpy rides in our lives. We were there for each other. From the moment I got to know her more, I knew that she’d dance with me for a pretty long time. She’s one of the reasons why I keep on dancing despite of tripping and falling from time to time. And I vow to protect her, even if she is a bit stubborn sometimes. (Track 08: Best Friend, Jason Mraz)

Another dancing partner came along. He told me that his first partner looked for another one as well. We talked and found out that we both liked Harry Potter. He agreed to dance with me. I thought that maybe we’d be dancing for the rest of our lives. But his pace was too fast. As the song progresses, he’d occasionally let go of my hand and expect me to come running back to him for another dance. Sometimes, he’d tighten his grip around me and it suffocated me. He’d spin me around too quickly. I tried to learn his dancing style but I failed. He eventually got tired too and started bad-mouthing me. That’s when I knew that it was time to skip the song and look for a better dancing partner. (Track 09: Tell Me I’m A Wreck, Every Avenue)

I started giving up. I danced less and just sat alone, watching all the people on the dancefloor dance before me. I didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone. I felt as if the world was against me, and it was winning. I wanted to reach out, but at the same time, I didn’t want to bother anyone with my problems. I wanted to ask them how they managed to continue dancing despite of every challenge they had whilst training. I wanted to cry and to scream. It was all too much and I just couldn’t take it anymore. (Track 10: Untitled, Rex Orange County)

Someone sat beside me and it seems like he wanted to be alone as well. There was something about him that caught my eye. He was adorable and seemed so interesting. Perhaps he noticed my curiosity and decided to talk to me. I wasn’t wrong. He was very easy to talk to. He was mysterious, intelligent and he had a beautiful mind. He made me laugh and smile. We clicked like Legos and the clacking of tap shoes. He asked me for a dance. While dancing, he taught me how to appreciate each song. His grip wasn’t too tight nor loose. He had really beautiful eyes. They were like golden pots of honey. He was sweet and gentle. He guided me throughout the song. I didn’t have to do all those fancy intricate dance steps in order to please him. It all came out naturally. He is my heart’s dancing partner, and I wouldn’t mind dancing with him forever. (Track 11: Safety, Carousel Casualties)

Hope. It felt odd yet so fulfilling. I learned how to dance again. I learned how to dream. I learned how to hope. I started dancing to more upbeat tunes. I learned how to smile once again. (Track 12: SUNRISE, Ben&Ben)

I felt free from all the toxicity in my life. I have an entire few dance crew who never left my side, great music, and an amazing dancing partner. I know that there will come a time when I’d feel hopeless and exhausted once again, but I also know that this time, I wouldn’t face them alone. I slowly learned to accept myself for who I am. Dancing is the timeless interpretation of life. It’s magical, difficult and beautiful all at the same time. And until now, I am still learning, thriving and dancing. (Track 13: Red Balloon, Never Shout Never)